In Western societies, the dating / mating process usually starts with an initial approach by the man.
Occasionally girls will do the approaching themselves, but for the average guy this doesn’t happen very often. Women will sometimes move into your proximity if they’d like to be approached, but it’s still up to you to take the plunge.
Men therefore need to learn how to approach, the things to say to women when doing so, and to become generally comfortable starting conversations with strangers.
The first thing a guy says to a girl when he approaches is commonly called the ‘opener’. Openers can be either direct (indicating obvious sexual interest) or indirect (a seemingly innocent conversation starter).
In any situation other than drunken hook-ups at bars and clubs, I recommend indirect openers, not direct ones. Alpha males with very high visible social proof can go more direct, but even then it tends to result in more strike-outs.
An indirect opener is really just a context or excuse to start talking to her. It can take many forms – a comment, a question, a light-hearted joke about something you both just saw – anything that can kick-start a conversation. In the right context, even just saying “hi” in a friendly manner with a smile can be sufficient.
Openers Aren’t Meant To Be Magical
The opener isn’t meant to do any of the heavy lifting when it comes to building attraction. There aren’t any “magic pickup lines” that will get you straight into a girl’s pants. An opener merely functions as a way to give you a reasonable context in which to start an interaction.
Indirect openers also give you plausible deniability – if things don’t turn out well, then you can plausibly deny any sexual interest. You were just chatting to her because you’re friendly, or you did actually want to know the answer to the question you asked. Subconsciously, the girl probably knows what is going on when you start talking to her – but by having plausible deniability, you’ve done it in a smooth, non-awkward way.
The key with openers is to be normal and bring a fun, relaxed, happy vibe. Avoid anything too “slick”. You could come up with all the cleverest “opening line” in the world, but it will probably come across as forced and awkward.
Instead, concentrate on maintaining good relaxed body language and voice tone, a “I’m having a great time, and chatting to people is just something I do” vibe – and just say something fun, interesting or contextual to the surroundings.
Try making a comment about something a girl is wearing / carrying – “Hey those are cool shoes, where did you get them?” Or try asking a couple of girls sitting together for a female opinion about something interesting or slightly controversial. Or comment about this really drunk guy who you just saw dancing in traffic.
Body Language And Voice Tone Are The Key
Remember, it’s not really about WHAT you say, it’s about HOW you say it – your body language and voice tone.
The worst opening line in the world will do just fine if you have relaxed, confident, non-threatening body language, and deliver it in a fun, chatty way. Conversely, you could have the most fascinating, relevant “question opener” in the world – but if you have nervous, insecure body language and you stutter, you’ll come across as creepy.
Whilst contextual, spontaneous openers are usually best, it is also a good idea to always have a couple of basic “canned” openers prepared, that you can fall back on if you can’t think of anything to say. Just be sure to keep them simple – the more “clever” or “funny” or contrived, the more likely you are to activate their “player” sensors. Whilst openers can be prepared, they should always seem natural, fun and spontaneous.
Note that you can open a group containing the girl you are interested in, or you can open a girl by herself. If you are opening a group, the key is to open the group as a whole – you need to win the trust and interest of the whole group, not just the target girl.
The vibe for group approaches should be “I’m a fun, social guy who is out meeting new fun people” or “I have an interesting story that I’m dying to share with people” or something along those lines.
Time Constraints Can Lower Barriers
Try giving an artificial time constraint as you open too – e.g. “Hey, look I’ve got to get back to my friends in a moment, but I wanted to ask you a question real quick…” This drop people’s guard, because they don’t get that initial “how are we going to get rid of this guy” feeling that people sometimes get when approached by strangers.
Getting over the worst of your approach anxiety so that you can start conversations in a confident, fun manner takes a fair bit of practice. But the more you do it, the better you’ll get.
And here’s the best part: by going the indirect route with your opener, you’ll always have plausible deniability – so there never needs to be any “rejection”, because you were just being friendly. Eventually, you won’t even think much about what you say to open, you’ll just go up and say hi – and your positive, confident vibe will do the rest.
Oh, and one more thing – when approaching a girl who is by herself, always smile – it’s less threatening.
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Happy hunting,
Ryan
